Near death experience

Yesterday I had a near death experience. I was in a car accident. At the end of the day it turned out to be a small one. But that was apparent only at the end of it all, and while it was happening, it was quite harrowing. Yet, it must not have been as terrible since my life did not flash before my eyes. That was disappointing in a way, because as the years have gotten on, my memories have become hazy, and I wouldn't mind a replay of a few things.

I was cruising along at the speed limit of about 40 mph when a car shot out in front of me from a side street because its driver did not see me coming. It was all over in perhaps less than half a second, but it seemed as if it took a good minute or two.

I was rolling along, thinking about the latest fire drill at work, but fortunately quite alert to the road, when I saw in disbelief this car hurrying out of a side lane across my path, only yards away. In the instant I suspected it wasn't about to stop I jammed on the brakes hard and watched. To my horror, the other car showed no sign of seeing me and continued on its trajectory across my path. All I could do was keep my foot pressed down hard and watch. I could feel the car shudder as the ABS strained to stop the car without skidding.

At first I remember thinking "I'm going to die, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it." There was this car just a few feet away from me and I was hurtling toward it with no option of either of us altering course. Then slowly it dawned on me that my car was indeed slowing down and for what seemed like several seconds I thought there'd just be a big bang and I'd be able to limp out of the car later. Some time later I had reached the other car, but I grimaced knowing my car was still moving. All through this time the other car had proceeded only 5 or 10 feet across my path. As I gritted my teeth I felt the collision.

It was a thankful anticlimax. I quickly realized it was just a graze, and my car had all but stopped before it hit the other. And in fact if it wasn't for the fact that the other car was still moving across my path, perhaps both cars would have gotten away with not even the scrapes they suffered. I silently appreciated my luck, thought of my wife and son, and then continued on my way to work to fight the fires there that lasted much much longer than this one. In retrospect it was a fairly distant near-death experience, but really, I don't want to get any closer, no matter how much character it has the potential of building.

Destiny and free will

The other day a thought struck me in the shower. It is strange how thoughts usually strike me in the shower when I'm naked and wet, but I digress.

It is said that each of us is the master of our own destiny. We choose what we do and when we want to do it. We have these brains, larger than any other living creatures on Earth. We use them to make calculated decisions based on the things we experience, and take our lives where we want them to go. There is probably much research on this, but I'm too lazy to look it up.

I like to believe that I make my own choices and alter the course of my destiny at my will. But recently I've been wondering, what makes up my will? And do I really have any control over it?

Consider first, the chemical reaction that occurs when you pour hydrochloric acid on the metal sodium. You end up with salt and hydrogen gas. Every time you mix the metal and the acid you always get the same result - the reaction is predictable just like any of the laws of physics.

Now consider the game of tic-tac-toe. At each step of the game there are only a handful of choices. Depending on previous choices made, another set of choices presents itself. In order to attain your objective (usually to win) there are usually just one or two courses of action. A game of chess is similar, except the choices at each step are more numerous.

The choices I make in my life are similar to the moves I make in the game of tic-tac-toe or chess. Once I make those choices, the outcomes are as invariable as the chemical reaction. The only thing then, that guides my life are the reasons I make the choices. Why do I want to win the game of tic-tac-toe?

If you mixed salt and hydrogen gas together you will not get sodium and hydrochloric acid. The reaction goes one way only. While the elements can be combined in various ways to produce different compunds, they have a natural tendency to settle in one configuration, determined by various things I didn't pay attention to in chemistry class.

Is it possible that I want to win the game of tic-tac-toe for the same reason that sodium and hydrochloric acid react to produce salt and hydrogen and not the other way around? Is it possible that my brain wants to settle on a prefferred configuration of juices and electrical charges that are facilitated by certain actions?

The salt and hydrogen chemical reaction is simple - two compounds reacting to produce two other compounds. The interactions in tic-tac-toe are more complex. Chess is orders of magnitude more complex than tic-tac-toe. The interactions in the brain are orders more complex than chess.

Is it possible that I am convinced that I am making my own choices only because from the gazillion possibilities available I just choose one, even though that choice is as inevitable as a simple chemical reaction, given the fixed inputs going into the choice?

Here's another way to look at it - given the same set of circumstances, is it possible that you would make a different choice in your life than you did the first time? If you answer yes, then ask yourself why. Is it really the same set of circumstances or do you have different inputs the second time around?

Why desis are ugly

As my numb sensitivities adjust over the years to the world around me, I've increasingly become aware that desis are generally ugly. Or at least they are generally uglier than other specimens of humankind. In the past it's just been a thought at the back of my mind, completely inconsequential, but yet puzzlingly inexplicable. But then just the other day it struck me why it is so.

Arranged marriages. Desis frequently engage in this practice to find a lifelong mate. In other cultures a person will typically only agree to mate with someone they find attractive. Not so in many arranged marriages. In an arranged marriage a desi will mate with someone chosen by their family (though usually not in their presence), and looks are not the highest on their list of priorities. Consequently most desis, no matter how severe a case of Ed Zachary disease they suffer from, will eventually find a mate. And once they do, the rest is history... or in this case biology.

It's simply just another application of the laws of natural selection shaped by desi cultural traditions.

If you are a desi I have offended then you are ugly.